Before I married my husband, I dated him for around 30 days. After those 30 days I moved in with him and his 3 kids and then 2 1/2 years later I married him. We have been married for over 19 years and have had our ups and downs but we have survived and are still holding strong. We were VERY lucky since we took this dive in such a short period of time. I’ve watched my oldest daughter go on dates, try to establish relationships and even get married and have it fail. Dating is not easy and knowing the right person to trust with your heart is even more difficult. In an effort to make it a little bit easier for those that are searching for their true love, I have compiled a list of 10 signs he is not the one. Now keep in mind, these pointers are for when you are contemplating starting a relationship, not going on the first few dates.
- Kids– Here are some questions to ask yourself if he has kids: How many kids does he have? How many ‘baby mama’s’ does he have? How often does he see his kids? Who is raising his kids? If mom has custody, does he pay child support? If there is no mom, who is raising the kids? If there is no mom and he is not raising his kids, why? Now if these questions are answered in a negative light, then RUN! Don’t look back, don’t make excuses for him, don’t allow yourself to believe in and fall for his excuses, but RUN! If he does not have a strong relationship with his kids, if he has someone, besides the mom of his kids, raising his kids, if he has 3 baby mama’s, and if he does not pay child support then he has not grown into a man yet. If you disagree with this, then ask yourself and imagine how he would be if you had kids with him; scary thought, right?
- Drugs– Drugs make you stupid and they make you say stupid things. Yes, marijuana is a drug. Unless he has a catastrophic illness that has allowed him to have a medical marijuana license from his doctor, then don’t waste your time and energy on a drug user.
- Credit Report– Ladies, this is big! What is his credit score? If it is low, ask him why? Maybe he is a doctor and is paying off student loans, that is perfectly acceptable, but if he has no property, lives at home with his mommy and does not even own a car… RUN!
- Social Media– Have you looked at his Facebook? What about his Instagram, Vine and Myspace (yes, some still use the ol’ MySpace)? Are they clean or are they filled with him partying it up with a lot of different girls? Ladies, social media tells a lot about a person. If jobs check potential employers Facebook and Twitter, you should too!
- Google– When determining if ‘he’ is the right one, Google is your best friend. You can find so much important information in Google. Did you know that you can find if someone has a criminal record, previous mugshots, and pretty much what they did to get that mugshot? You can also look at their Linkedin profile, which leads me to #6.
- Job Status– Does he have one? If not, why not? I know some girls might say ‘Money isn’t everything’ and I agree that money is not everything but money is important. If he no longer has a job you need to know why he left his previous job because that can tell a lot about a person. Was he fired, if so why? Was he fired due to attendance? Not having good attendance might say that someone is unreliable. Do you want someone that is unreliable or do you want a go geter?
- Housing– Does he still live with his mama? Has he ever lived independently on his own, if not why? What does his home look like? Is his home messy? Does he have beer cans and vodka bottles lining the top of his cabinets? Do you want a 31 year old man that lives in the basement in his mama’s house playing video games every day after work or do you want a 31 year old man that lives independently in a home or apartment? These are just a few things to notice and ask yourself if you are wanting to take that next step.
- Alcohol– A lot of adults like to have a beer or two after work, have an ‘adult’ drink with their dinner or drink a few drinks at a get together. This is perfectly acceptable but what you need to watch for is, how does he handle alcohol intake? Is he a happy fun drinker or does he become angry and depressed? Does he know his limit? Is he careless? Not everyone drinks alcohol but those that do need to make sure that their potential boyfriend or husband acts civil and responsible.
- Stories-How many stories does he have? Stories can consist of baby mama’s, failed relationships and marriages, why he does not have a job or why he keeps getting fired from his jobs over and over and so much more. Someone, especially someone that is young, should not have so many negative stories and so much bad luck. You don’t want his history to become your problems and stress.
- Hobbies– Does he love, pay more attention and care about his hobbies more than you? Hobbies are fun, but if you don’t fall above his hobbies then your relationship will never work
Like I said, dating can be fun, but when it is time to decide who you want to give your heart to and start a relationship with, it can be extremely stressful. These 10 signs he is not the one may not be for everyone but I can guarantee you that if you focus on this before you start a relationship that it will definitely help determine if it’s a match made in Heaven or a relationship doomed to fail!
Kids were a huge factor for me and my husband.
Neither of us wanted to marry someone who already had children and thankfully neither of us did.
That’s pretty rare for 2014 going forward for singles over 25. Your advice on asking lots of questions about the baby mama situation is really warranted,
It’s very rare for their not to be kids in at least one of the person’s house.
Those are actually big signs of red flags – good thing my man aren’t one of those.
You would think these things would immediately be red flags, but sometimes they slip under the radar! The thoughts about kids, credit score and social media are big ones! This is a really great list that people should keep in mind!
It’s important to consider how his having or not having kids will impact the relationship. After all, you will spend the rest of your life with this person.
These are things that must be considered and during relationships.
Great advice!
I agree with all of these points.Especially about drugs. I don’t why people take drug use so lightly.
Those are some good tips. I think some of them might take some time to learn, but the social media and home life is something that should be taken in to consideration. But, also with a grain of salt. People make mistakes and they do change. If someone judged me by what they see of me on the Internet, they may form the wrong opinion and those who figure out my pen name might have another. As for the credit thing, or living with mom thing, a lot of people move back in with the parents when going through a divorce, break up, job change or money issues. To some degree its a bit unfair to judge based on that without knowing the whole story.
True and that is why it is important to ask questions and not to walk into relationships with your eyes closed like so many people do.
Great tips! But I’m not sure 30 days will do it. However sometimes there may be early signs.
I got really lucky with my husband, which is abnormal and rare.
This is funny and so real! I am single, because I refuse to settle and date any guy who doesn’t meet my standards
I don’t tolerate drugs whatsoever, it’s just a childish means to escape reality; people who use it are sad!
I totally agree with the drugs and alcohol; both of those are serious addictions and prime reasons to why relationships get abusive or just go miserably!
There are so many of these that singles (both men and women) who look over these critical points. Marriage is tough enough without the possibility of these variables.
These are all great reasons he is not the one for you. This is such a great post.
Lol I couldn’t imagine asking a guy on a first date about his credit score. And do you think he’d be honest? Haha!
Not on a first date but before you start a relationship with him.
When I met my husband I asked some basic questions like “Do you know how to make decisions”. We then dated for 3 years before tying the knot so this is some good advice but I will say – HE MET ME about 3 weeks into my layoff so I did not have a job when we met. I started working a week after I met him but still – let’s not be too quick to judge.
I love that you added gogle to the list! I’m not dating but I always google new people these days.
These are definitely some things you need to consider when you’re getting serious with someone. You don’t want someone whose values and interests don’t match up with yours.
Oh this is a good list…as a single lady, these are definitely things that I always look out for now. It’s hard to date these days and you don’t want to be too picky, but you do want to be SMART! 🙂
Yes I agree!run from the baggage. No one will change just because of you
This is so funny! I do think some of these things change in people, especially if you’re dating young. People learn and grow and nobody is perfect.
I have to admit I wouldn’t have thought about googling the other half – I wonder what he would have thought if I did.
30 days? You go girl! Finally after 10 years with my hubby I feel like we finally truly know and understand each other. However, all these things we did know before marriage. Just not within 30 days!
These are fantastic points! I watched my sister struggle in her marriage for 4 years before divorce, and I hated that. On the other hand, when my husband first asked me out, I made him wait for 2 weeks so I could make sure it was the right decision. And I did my research. Now, having been married for almost four years, I’ve learned that he did his research on me, too LOL We make a good pair 🙂
I think your inclusion of “hobbies” is a good one. I dated a perfectly amazing guy after college, but when it came down to the end of things, his band was much more important to him than literally everything else in the world. It was probably a time suck of about 2 years of my life. (To be fair, his band DID open for P.Diddy when his tour came to town…) I didn’t really realize my own prioritization until I met my now husband, who definitely puts me above his own hobby loves (rock climbing, mountain biking…) That’s true devotion 🙂
Wow what a success… P Diddy that’s awesome!
Amen! I agree with everything on your list!
I am so glad I don’t have to deal with this anymore. I have been happily married for 23 years and I don’t think it’s going to change anytime soon…at least I hope not haha! Even my daughter is getting ready for her 4th wedding anniversary to a perfect guy. These are some awesome tips though!
This list couldn’t be more true and spot on. I have dated a ton of losers with bad qualities thinking I could “help” them or “change” them for the better, but you just can’t. Now I am married to a wonderful man and I am happy that I went through all of the bad ones to find the right one!
Great tips especially for those who are younger or just starting out dating. You don’t think about credit scores as a young adult!
Yes!! I tell my youngest sister this all the time! Great tips.
This is a great list! As a pastor’s wife and a wedding planner for many new brides, I wish that both parties would put as much time in preparing for marriage as they do preparing for the wedding. We do extensive marriage counseling, but by then they are usually so committed that they are blinded to any real problems. I always taught my daughters to just say “Next” if any of things you mentioned were problems.
My daughter’s first marriage.. the pastor said he would not marry them because they needed a lot of time to pretty much grow up… Of course they found a new pastor and then a year or so later got divorced.. Wish we would have ALL listened to the pastor.
These are some great signs to look for. I totally agree that Google is one of the 1st places you should check out before pursuing a relationship with another person. It is amazing what comes to light.
This is an awesome list that a lot more ladies need to read! I have made excuses for a guy’s alcohol consumption a few times–fortunately all of the red flags sent me running before I made any real commitments. I love what said in the first part about making excuses because it applies to almost every category! My husband was one of the first guys I dated where no red flags came out waving within the first few dates. 🙂
I agree with your advice on what to watch out for, LOL. I have been married for 37 years and feel pretty fortunate but I have had a lot of friends who have been through the wringer and I would have to say that over consumption of alcohol on a regular basis is the number one thing to really look out for.
A-freakin-men to #1 haha Let’s just say, I bookmarked this, shared it on all of the buttons. I had a Tinder date once, we both shared our ex-spouses aka how we both got divorces, kids and love of football. haha
great tips, would you like to guest post for me on marriage? if so email me terrigrothe@gmail.com
I will def put it on my 2015 list.. Thanks for asking.
I wish I had read this years ago. This is great advice for those dating.
Where have you been all my life. 4 failed marriages later, I have learned the hard way what to watch for. My biggest mistake, I have made are all the above that you have listed. However, I am strong willed and thought I could fix their flaws. Stupid me, took me 25 years to figure it out. No man is going to ever change their bad habits.
Ugh Dating. It’s just ugh….. Ah ha ha! I shall be SINGLE forever! :-/
Dumb Tinder. Dumb Match.com. Dumb Plenty of Fish. Dumb people in real life. LOL!
I am so met my husband a few months after we graduated from High School. We have been together for over 19 years and married for almost 17 years.
These are all great! I’ve been dating the same guy for the last 4 1/2 years. When we first met he was living the bachelor life and had the liquor bottles lining the top of his kitchen (he had his own apartment tho). He has grown up so much since then and we just bought our dream home together this past August 🙂
I once knew a fellow who had more stories than you could shake a stick at. If anyone said something…. he had to top it.
Really great advice. Hubby lived at home when we first met. We started living together a few months after dating and then got married. Luckily there were no baby mama’s in the picture and we’ve been married now for 10 years and we’ve had our ups and downs as well, but we made it through.
Those are all great things to look out for, but they are definitely not things to try to find out in the first 30 days LOL. Most of those things take time.